Lately it seems people have been trying befriend me.
I know that sounds weird. But it's kind of ticking me off, and confusing me.

Like today in the hall a guy I sort of knew (I think we might have talked once at softball game, and we have one period together) stopped me in the hall and said he really liked my presentation and just started talking about things, like we were best friends or something. 
I don't know, it was nice, but the fact that it was nice was rather confusing.
He's not what people would consider a freak (I, on the other hand, am a freak) and he's actually rather popular.

And this really nice girl Mary started talking to me about music, and she knew I liked playing guitar, and I was polite, but rather short with her I'm afraid.

And this girl Anna wants to get together sometime.

I am so very suspicious when people are nice to me, it's kind of a flaw.

Pretty sure this anti-social phase will pass quickly though, since I'm normally a people person. 
I've just been nurturing this "If you don't care about people, they can't hurt you" mentality for far too long. And it's hurting me so badly.

I'm also afraid of making friends because I don't want to hurt people with the insanity that is me.

I've been behaving oddly lately.
Probably has something to do with being rendered Emma-less. It sucks. I hate myself for it.
I'm heartless.
Sorry for saying sucks, but that's the only word to describe it.

today begins a two week session of very memorable anniversaries from my bestfriendship with Ash. It always makes me horribly depressed, and I end up crying too much.
She taught me a lot about loving life, and living radically, and when I lost her my life sort of shattered apart. But I've come a long way since then.
  • September 17th: Ash's birthday
  • September 23rd: The last, glorious day of our lives being normal.   Hung out, listened to music, stayed out late with friends and some guys we'd just met, got chewed out by Dad for staying out late and not telling him, stayed up half the night eating cookies, talking about the universe, and playing Animal Crossing, collapsed in a heap on my bed.
  • September 24th: The day I lost her forever.
  • October 2nd: The anniversary of us meeting, and becoming friends.                               It'd have been 6 years this year. 

There is this guy Tyler in one of my classes. 
He is tall, has brown eyes, longish hair, wears annoying professionally distressed designer jean, made to look vintage tee shirts, and skate shoes. 
I guess most girls might find him attractive, not me personally though.
I'll admit it, I judged him. I labelled him as one of those annoying, apathetic, unenthusiastic, looks-like-a-skater-but-can't-land-an-ollie kind of guys.
Anyways, today, he was sitting directly behind me, and he said something so shockingly profound and deep that I had to do a double take. 
And then he proceeded to stand up for the boy everyone had every reason to make fun of.
Thus, I got yet another lesson in judging people.
I figure Tyler is just sort of shy, not apathetic. And he talks really quietly.
So, I stand ashamed.

EMU, after all these years, I thought you'd trust me. I won't mess this up.


  1. I've been there. I missed out on so many relationships because I was afraid of getting hurt. Sometimes, people will hurt you. That's the kind of world we live in sadly. But Jesus never lets us down, and loving Him allows us to love others. I just felt like I needed to say that to you. I love your honesty, please don't give up on letting others into your heart. So many people will miss out on getting to know you! (And your super-mondo awesome, Jill, and I'm not just saying so:) I'm glad your still fighting for love, keep it up!

    Paper Bird

  2. Hey Jill. I know what you mean. There are just times when you think: "So, when is this person going to let me down?"
    but hey, you have a quote on your blog (if I remember correctly) that says People are going to hurt you. It's just a matter of whether they are the ones whodeserve it or something... Can't recall it dammit.
    Ash? Sorry, I've probably missed on something... Can I ask what happened? If it's not too intrusive.
    And hey, keep struggling. We all do.

  3. Dude! Awesome post! :o I'm always the first person to judge another person, and I'm always the first person to regret it later.

  4. Paper Bird:
    I know that, and it's a wonderful thing to have a savior who will never let you down. I guess he needs to give me the strength to go out on a limb and love people.
    Something I'm overcoming.
    Thanks for saying I'm awesome. That was so awesome of you to encourage me like that :)

    Yep, that Bob Marley quote is right in my sidebar.
    Sometimes it's hard to judge who exactly is worth suffering for though.
    Ashley was my best friend before I met Emma, and we shared a lot of experiences together.
    But I lost her one day in a disastrous string of events that are very private and I don't really like talking about it.

    I know! And in my mind, I think I'm such a non-judgemental person. We will learn someday though :P

  5. I love your honesty. To quote Bob Marley, people will hurt you. You've just gotta find those worth suffering for. If people are making an effort to be nice to you, try to make an effort to do the same to them, even if you don't want to. It will help you later, I promise. Remember that you may be the only Jesus some people will eve know, as cliche as that sounds. I'm praying for you.

  6. All very interesting observations, although I don't interpret people wanting to be your friend as a bad thing. I'd be sucking it up--even if they were taking advantage of me.

    I liked to hear what you had to say about the last fellow, though. I talk so much about not judging people prematurely. It was about a year ago when I realized that I did it all the time with popular kids. There you have it.

  7. I am sorry you are having a hard time.I will pray for you.

  8. I think a lot of people seem to have the impression that I'm depressed. I'm not. I'm just being selfish.
    Which is wrong. But I'm happy though.

    Melissa: Well, I go to Christian school, so I doubt that is the case in this particular situation, but I understand your point.

    It always seems like I'm the most popular when I don't try. Honestly, when I want a lot of friends, it never happens, but when I sit back and do my own thing it always works.

    I don't judge the freaks, the nerds, the lonely people, the losers, or anyone different than normal.
    But when it comes to popular, perfectish people, I ALWAYS judge them.

    Sierra: Aw, thank you sweetie.

  9. I like your delivery of things. I don't know why.

    And speaking of judging people... today at work (I'm a cashier) a guy came up to the counter. He looked like a homeless guy, and smelled like a homeless guy. I scanned his items and gave him his total. He took out his wallet, and after a quick look inside his wallet I came to the conclusion that this guy has money. Like, he's doing quite well for himself.

    I thought that was kind of funny.

  10. *You are a freaking amazing person. Just saying.

    *I know where you're coming from. It does feel odd, to have people want to do things with you out of the blue/talk to you when you never expected them to. Yet it's nice [but slightly terrifying].

    *I'm extremely sorry for your loss. I understand your shattering.

    *Your last story reminds me of the second post I ever posted. I judged someone off the bat, & they pleasantly surprised me. Don't feel shame from it, though- take it as a step on the path to a better life. :]

    *I'll stop now- sorry for the long comment, it just relates! Good work :]

  11. Optimism will help me take those chances. If I let my fears subside, the possibilities are endless. Ultimately what I’m saying is, don’t be afraid of the unknown. Embrace it. You are your experiences. I don’t know where this is heading. I guess that’s life. The great unknown

    - John O'Callaghan;This Is Real Life

  12. So, what I found most distinct is your apologizing for saying sucks. Most of the time when I use it, I want to do the same, there really isnt much of a way to describe it any other way.

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"Sometimes the world seems like a big hole. You spend all your life shouting down it and all you hear are echoes of some idiot yelling nonsense down a hole"
_Adam Duritz

I love hearing things that aren't my own pathetic echoes.