I Feel So Alone

Afraid. This is the first time in a long time I've felt this way. Maybe it's the thunder outside. Maybe it's cos I'm all alone in my third story bedroom. Maybe it's cos of what happened last night. Maybe it's because of my double expresso at dinner. Maybe it's cos, instead of lying down next to my bed, my guard dog is locked in a cage in the basement. Maybe this goes way back. To the girl laying on an mattress, feeling like her heart is broken in a million pieces, and is having a hard time breathing; listening to crickets, and wondering if this was normal. I don't know why. I just am afraid of being alone in rainstorms. Don't ask me why. Has anyone ever felt the aT I feel right now? If Harmony was here, I'd take all the sheets off my bed, and lay them on my carpet, and we'd cuddle in together and I'd fall asleep to Harmony's steady breathing. But Harm isn't. Harmi is sick. And I'm scared for H. And tommorow I have to go to a church I really hate. I can't even make myself like it, and I am a very determined person. I want to make friends. No, scratch that. I want to want to make friends. Right now I am an outcast. Emma gets it.
Outcast Region. A joke maybe, or maybe not. I keep on thinking about that day. That wonderful day, and u can't remember the third thing I was looking for. Was it Ashley's email? I don't think so. I just found that. This is like the time I couldn't fall asleep until I remembered the French word for milk. Du laít. Now I know.
This is the most down to earth post I have ever written. The most real. Patrick has yet another girlfriend, and I am over him, but that doesn't mean I don't worry about him. I wonder if Paige is going to email me. She usually does on Saturday night. This reminds the of that classic
Finger 11 song, one thing.
"Restless tonight. Cos I wasted the light."
Bye,
Jillian, restless, alone muser

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